An open letter to my bullies

*Trigger Warning*

Dear Bullies,

How are you doing? I hope life is going well for you. Me? I’m doing well, it took a while, but I’m okay now.

I’d just like to thank you. Even though you put me through absolute hell and I still have problems because of you,  I don’t think I could’ve grown as much as I have without you. Thank you. Thank you for ruining my life, pushing me down multiple times and forcing me to rebuild myself. Thanks to you I became stronger, more independent, kind and empathetic. Do you remember when you told all my friends not to sit with me at lunch because I was “a backstabbing b**ch and unlikable,” or that time when you took all my advice (which you asked me for) and told everyone I was bullying you instead? What about the time you called me fat, ugly and worthless? Oh, and lets not forget the numerous amount of times you tried to turn my friends against me, leaving me alone. Well, let me tell you something, it didn’t work, I’m still here today, I’m happy and I’m strong. I dare you to mess with me now. I dare you to try and push me down. I might not be perfect, but I’m not the same, shy, quiet, weak girl anymore. I am strong, independent, and outgoing.

I don’t think you understand exactly how you affected me, but let me try to explain it to you as best I can. I’ve hardened and hidden myself behind massive walls. To this day, no matter how hard I try, I cannot cry. I used to cry myself to sleep every night and one day I told myself to stop. I told myself I cannot be weak and show emotion, I told myself it’s wrong to cry. From that day on, I have rarely shed a tear. It takes a lot of emotion for me to cry, and some days, when all I want is to lay down and sob, I can’t. My eyes are too dry and I lost my ability to show emotion. You convinced me multiple times that I was worthless, stupid, fat, and ugly. You took what little self confidence I had, and ripped it away from me. You took that shred of hope and crushed it. You left me with pain, sadness, fear, and doubt. You hurt me so bad that at one point I felt nothing. I still remember all the times I thought about ending the pain and the sadness. When I told my parents years later about all my attempts, the look on their faces broke my heart. I never thought I could make my parents feel that much sadness and pain, but thanks to you, I almost ripped apart their lives and their hearts. I loved swimming and being in water, I used to wish I was a mermaid. But at one point, I remember wanting to disappear in the water. I wanted to be taken away. I remember staring at some pills in my parent’s medicine cabinet, thinking what kind of concoction could stop the hurt. I remember thinking that if I accidentally ran my car off the road, I could end the pain. I remember trying to harm myself the way you harmed me, because I probably deserved it, right? I remember thinking I was worthless and unwanted. All because of you, all because of the words you said and all the actions you showed. I used to think about not eating and throwing up instead. I used to think about what it would take to be skinny and beautiful so you would accept me. I used to think about how much I would have to change myself to get along with you. I endured painful word after painful word. Things about my race, culture, religion, hobbies, beliefs, values, morals and choices. And for what? So I could be accepted by you? So you could like me the way I thought I liked you? So I wouldn’t be friendless? Because I thought everything you said and did was normal and appropriate? Because I thought that’s what friends were supposed to do to me? I tried to leave this world multiple times because of you. I thought about succumbing to your horrible words, but I didn’t. Something inside of me told me not to do it, it told me that it wasn’t worth it, that it will be okay one day. I’m so grateful to that little voice inside my head, the one that stopped me all those times. Even though this was a long time ago, I still have difficulty trusting and believing people. I cannot open up and become close to anyone without being wary. I have lost my innocence, youth and trust in people. Things I can never get back, things that will take me years to get over. I still remember those days and wonder how I got through it, think about how scared my parents were and how nobody ever knew about what was happening. Nobody, not even you, knew about what I felt or did. I taught myself to become a stone, somebody who never talked about feelings, pain or show people my ‘soft side.’

But I cannot find it in my heart to hate you. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I tell myself to, I can’t do it. In fact, I’m not angry, vengeful or resentful, I’m thankful. I just want to thank you for everything you have done for me, even if it was all indirectly. Without you, I would’ve never met my best friends, I never would’ve become so independent, I wouldn’t be so kind, sassy or empathetic. I cannot see myself being so outgoing without your help and I sure as hell wouldn’t be so passionate about life without you. So thank you. Thank you for hurting me, thank you for ripping me apart, thank you for showing me a side to humanity that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. Thank you for teaching me about myself, thank you for opening my eyes, thank you for the experiences that shaped me into who I am today. I hope you’re doing well and college is treating you well. I know you don’t even realize what you did and how you affected me, but I hope one day you can stop somebody else from doing what you did to me. I hope you teach your children to be kind and loving. I hope that you stay safe, healthy and successful. I hope nothing bad happens to you, the way it happened to me. Because, even though you wronged me, I cannot wish that upon others. Nobody deserves pain, nobody deserves hurt, nobody deserves to feel like trash.

I might not be perfect, but I know that I am good enough.  Even the days that I feel like I am nothing, I know that it will be okay, and it will all pass. I may still meet many more people like you, but they can’t hurt me anymore. Nobody is allowed to hurt me anymore, I don’t let anyone get to me the same way you did. I’m strong. I’m worth it. I’m loved. I’m successful. I am okay. Finally, after all these years, I am okay. Thank you.

 

Sincerely,

K

 

Disclaimer/ ending note: I’m 100% okay now. I’m no longer in that bad place and no longer suicidal. This is written about multiple people and multiple incidents/ experiences throughout my life. If you or anyone else you know is experiencing things like this, need help or are feeling suicidal, get help IMMEDIATELY. The best thing to do for them is to listen, be supportive and believe them.

Just know that it will be okay, you can get through it and you are loved and needed in this world.
Here are some helpful hotlines/ websites you can go to and get extra help from.

Crisis Call Center
800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://crisiscallcenter.org/crisisservices.html

National Suicide Hotline
800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
800-442-HOPE (4673)
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.hopeline.com

National Hopeline Network
800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
800-442-HOPE (4673)
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.hopeline.com

5 thoughts on “An open letter to my bullies

  1. You are beautiful and sharing such an intimate letter to your bullies is very very strong. I have said this before but I am so inspired by you. Keep fighting the good fight. Much love to you 💜

    Like

  2. Kriti dear so proud of you. You are an angel and a pride of the family. Sure time will take care of those who wronged you. Best wishes to you and am sure you are sure to blaze trails of glory and success in all your paths of life. Stay happy and blessed always. Hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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