Thinking Back

Hey everyone,

I hope you’re doing well. Are you eating enough? Trying to relax and stay stress free? Getting enough sleep? Working out? Staying healthy? Make sure you take care of yourself, okay? I worry about y’all’s health and wellbeing.

Do you ever wonder what people you used to know are doing now? Not even just old friends, but random classmates, strangers you met, people whose name you don’t even remember? Is it strange that I do? I have always considered myself a nostalgic person so I am constantly thinking back on my past and replaying all my memories in my head. I love looking back on my life and seeing how much I have grown, changed, matured, and blossomed. It’s crazy to think what a few years can do to a person. But every single time I start to think about my life, other people start seeping into my memories. Where is the little girl who constantly called me “Matika” in preschool? Is she doing well? Does she still mispronounce names horribly wrong?  What happened to the little boy who made fun of my hair and pulled on my pigtails in first grade? Does he remember that I smacked him with my flip-flop? Does he still hold that against me (I apologize by the way… I hope his shoulder doesn’t still hurt)? I wonder how the girls I used to play with on the playground are doing. The girls who would scream at the top of their lungs and gave each other prizes (we used to call ourselves the scream scouts… weird, I know). The girls who were separated when we went to different schools. What are they doing? Do they remember how carefree we used to be on that playground? And how about my 4th grade crush? The boy I considered my best friend (even if it was one-sided). The boy who stood up for me when the mean girls on the playground made fun of me? The boy who would pity me and sit with me when he saw me in the corner of the playground, tears in my eyes, alone. He might not remember, or even realize the impact he made on me, but I hope he is still helping those around him the same way he helped me all those years ago. I know I annoyed him constantly but I always wonder why he did what he did. I hope the girl from middle school, who told people walking into the school not to be my friend, is doing okay. I know she was going through a rough time at home. I wonder if she is happy, and secure with herself now. What happened to my skating instructor that I was hopelessly in love with? I hope he’s still ice dancing and living his best life. I’m sorry for being an annoying 9-year-old with a huge crush… I wonder if he knew. I think back constantly about the people I was friends with in high school. I hope they are content with life. I know we drifted apart, but I still wonder what they are up to. They were my close friends at one point but I know priorities change as you grow up and life gets in the way. I wonder if these people think about me as well. Is that weird? Is it weird to think about those who wronged you? Those you barely knew? Those that were once so close to your heart and now are practically a stranger to you? Isn’t it healthier to move on? But I can’t. All these people made an impact on my life, they were close to me and I can’t just let them go. There are so many people like this that I think about, people who made a lasting impression on my heart, on my mind, on my soul. But, I guess it makes sense for me to think about these people, they were actually part of my day-to-day life. I have concrete memories of us together, whether it was good or bad. But what about those people I never really knew? My classmates that I spoke one word to in my life? What happened to those classmates of mine that I never considered my friend, merely an acquaintance or someone who I happened to know. I think back to the little boy who would talk about Yu Gi Oh everyday in 2nd grade. I wonder about the girl who made funny rhymes on the playground in 5th grade. What about the people in my school that I knew of but didn’t know me? I know we never really spoke, but you were in my classes and I still wonder what you are doing now. Is that odd that I wonder about the people of whose name was the only thing I knew about them? I wonder what their life was like, the people who ran in very different social circles than I did. I know many didn’t know of me in high school (thank goodness) but I still wonder about those that everyone in the school did know. I wonder who thinks back to their school years the same way I do. I wonder how many people’s’ memories I invade? I know that sounds so narcissistic but I can’t be the only one who thinks back on their life in the same way.

It’s weird being a nostalgic person. You get hit with the memories of a time that has passed and can’t help but wonder “what if?” What if I said something different? What if I never met the people I did? What if I wasn’t involved in the same activities? Would my life be different? Would I be more successful? Less successful, perhaps? I wonder if I would’ve met the people I consider my close friends today. Without these memories, these people, the decisions I made, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t have the same story, the same struggles, the same drive, and passions. I wouldn’t have my best friend, who I consider my platonic soul mate (she is seriously my other half). I wonder what my path in life would be? Would I have gone down the original path I chose? Or would I have found myself back in the same place I am now? Do you think I would be doing similar things or somehow have met the same people?

Life works in funny ways, you never really know what will happen. Every decision, every choice, every greeting, it all matters. I’d like to think I am doing what the universe has in store for me. And for those that don’t believe in fate, or a higher power, that’s totally fine. But, I personally believe everyone has some point of being here, even if they don’t know what it is. I believe that all the important people in your life were/are meant to be there, and no matter what choices you make or what path you decide to take, they will somehow appear. It’s just crazy to me that so many people I love dearly and care for wouldn’t be in my life if I didn’t make a specific decision. If I never chose a specific language class in school, I wouldn’t have met my close friend in France. If I didn’t choose a specific program in high school, I might have gone to a different college. If I didn’t transfer, I wouldn’t have met all of my close friends I have at my current school. Isn’t that wild to think about? I can’t even wrap my head around that. Why did I make those decisions? I was meant to, right? I think subconsciously, I know what I am supposed to do, who I am supposed to meet, where I am supposed to go. I just hope it continues to lead me down the right path. All the people who have touched my heart, and those who haven’t, I have to thank. For all these seemingly unimportant people and memories are what made me the young woman I am today. I have learned from my mistakes, my decisions, and cherished every memory I made. All these chapters in my life, whether they have ended or not, make me better. They challenge my thoughts, push me to achieve more, motivate me to find my passions. I am so grateful for that.

So thank you to the little boy in 2nd grade who bonded with me over having the same birthday month. Thank you to the little girl who continued to sit next to me on the bus for years. Thank you to the boys that sat with me at lunch in 5th grade. Thank you to the girls that I drifted apart from, yet still continued to welcome me back with open arms later on. I will never forget all these people, even if they are no longer part of my life. I guess that is my curse. I will remember every little interaction and think back to all the people who crossed paths with me. But maybe, just maybe, that is a blessing. It is a way for me to reflect on my life and be grateful for everyone I met. I’ll always be nostalgic, I might as well embrace it, right?

Till next time,

K

2 thoughts on “Thinking Back

  1. You’re one really interesting and lovely lady! And you seem to love to rant! I loved reading you! Take good care of yourself, beautiful! Wishing you the best!

    Liked by 1 person

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