How are you doing, have you been well? It’s been a long time since I’ve written on this blog. Life has slipped through my fingers, unfortunately putting this blog on the back burner. Although I have missed writing, I also accomplished a lot while being away. I finally graduated from college, landed my first “big girl” job, and am starting to settle into my new adult life (which is so scary and surreal). Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to being 5 again, but I’m also very excited to see where life takes me as I continue to learn and grow. And honestly, I still feel like a 5 year old, I truly have no clue what I’m doing.
As we all know, the month of January is a time for lots and lots of self reflection (and let’s be honest, a little bit of loathing too). So naturally, that’s what I have done a lot of recently (the reflection, not the loathing, just wanted to clarify). With the start of a new decade and my extremely nostalgic personality, the introspective part of my brain has been in overdrive. I’d like to believe that this is the decade of endings and new beginnings, which is kind of beautiful, right? It’s crazy to think that in the last decade I graduated from high school and college, and now in this decade I will truly be an “adult” (whatever the heck that means). This is the decade of independence, the decade of big changes, and the decade where I begin to let go of everything that was holding me back.
I’m not perfect, at all. And truth be told, nobody is. The second we start to understand and believe that fact, our quality of life will improve immensely. My goals for the year have become more realistic, and uplifting. Instead of focusing on nothing but the negatives, I have started focusing on the best parts of myself. I know what I’m capable of, and I am the only person holding myself back from achieving all my goals. I’m focusing on being independent and not worrying so much about what other people may think of me. I’m a bit of a people pleaser, and want to see everyone happy, which leads to my mental health taking plenty of hits. I’ve realized that I need to start living for myself, and the people who decide to stick around are the ones who I should give my importance to. Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish and it’s okay to have basic expectations of people, because that means you know your self worth. It means you’re aware of what you need in life and those people who aren’t putting in the same effort as you, might not deserve the time you’ve invested in them. I’ve decided to stop telling myself I’m the problem. It’s not my fault people decide to leave, or drift away. Priorities change, and if I am no longer a priority for someone, then that’s okay. I’ve learned how to accept that and move on, it’s better for me in the long run anyway. I forgive easily, but I’ve learned that forgetting isn’t always the best thing to do. Sometimes people need to prove that they are worth your time and effort. It’s not fair to me when I forgive and forget, only to be hurt again in the process.
I want to spend this year better myself and doing things I love. I want to continue learning languages, get back to writing letters, and figure out how to keep plants alive (my mom has the biggest green thumb, why can’t I?). I’ve been doing a lot more writing and with that, a lot of self discovery has come my way. I’ve gotten back to writing my book, I’ve become much more invested in new sports, and I’ve been trying to get my voice back to the way it was in high school (when I actually had musical talent, hah). There is so much for me to learn and discover, and this is the time for me to do those things. I’m learning that there is so much I want to do and accomplish in life, but I’ve been holding myself back. Whether that was out of fear, circumstance, or outside factors, I don’t care. The point is that I’ve let those things go and I’m moving forward. 2020 is my year (lol I say that every year, but this time it feels different) and by golly, I’m not going to let it go to waste.
You know, I have no idea where I was going with this post, but honestly that’s the case for most of my blog. It’s just a bunch of ranting, and word vomit, and for some reason, people want to read it. So, thanks for sticking around. If you made it this far, you deserve a cookie (I don’t have any to give you, but feel free to make one and eat it. You deserve a treat). Thank you for reading my (sort of) personal diary and I appreciate everyone who has followed me thus far. Hopefully I will be able to update more often, and write more coherent posts (but I won’t promise the latter, we all know I can only write word vomit). Anyway, happy new year to y’all, I hope you reach your goals (I’m cheering you on every step of the way)!
Till next time,